Home       A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z 
 
- Home
- Privacy Policy
- Quotes By Topic
- Quotes By Type
- Link to Us
- Get random quotes
- Quotes for myspace
- Quotes for xanga
- Contact Us

Quotes by topic
Age
Anger
Art
Business
Change
Computers
Death
Dreams
Education
Equality
Experience
Faith
Forgiveness
Friendship
Funny
Government
History
Humor
Imagination
Intelligence
Life
Love
Marriage
Movies
Music
Nature
Patriotism
Peace
Poetry
Politics
Religion
Science
Society
Sports
Success
Technology
Time
War
Wisdom
Work
 
Random Quote
"Is Brooklyn still in the league?"
Bill Terry
Emo Philips Quotes
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips

My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips

Type:
Comedian
Date of Birth:
0000-00-00
Year of Death:

Nationality:
 

Timeless Quotes is part of the Bored.com network of sites. Copyright © 2011

Home Home