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Random Quote
"A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug."
Josh Billings
Steven Wright Quotes
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Steven Wright

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.
Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
Steven Wright

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.
Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright

My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."
Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
Steven Wright

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"
Steven Wright

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.
Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright

Type:
Comedian
Date of Birth:
1955-12-06
Year of Death:

Nationality:
American
 

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